A Maclaurin in my garage?

Rummaging through my garage, I found a box of old notebooks. One of them has three pages dated 11 April 2005.

I’d been in a seminar. I have no memory of what the seminar was about (probably some boring corporate stuff) and I’d clearly stopped listening early. What I did instead, over about an hour, was work out how to tell whether a list of numbers had come from a polynomial — and if so, which one.

The method goes like this. Write the numbers in a row. Difference each neighbouring pair to get a shorter row. Do it again. Keep going until the row is constant. The number of passes gives you the degree; that constant, divided by the same number factorial, gives you the leading coefficient. Subtract the term off and go round again for the next one down.

So 13.5, 33, 74.5, 147, 259.5, 421 collapses to 9, 9, 9 after three passes. 9 ÷ 3! = 1.5. Peel off 1.5x³, repeat, and out comes 1.5x³ + 2x² + 3x + 7.

Which is correct. Claude and I checked, twenty-one years late. The arithmetic holds and so does the method.

Then we went looking for whoever got there first, because I’d written, in that same hour, “I am sure this has been considered by someone else many moons ago.” Fair — though centuries would have been a better word than moons.

It’s Newton and Gregory, in the 1670s and 80s. Not Babbage, which is where I’d have guessed: Babbage’s Difference Engine ran the same idea forwards, grinding out tables from differences it already had. I was running it backwards, recovering the polynomial from its output. The engine isn’t the theorem.

Just because people did it 300 years before doesn’t make me wrong. I did this from scratch — no Wikipedia, no Google, just a biro (remember those?) and a seminar I’d disengaged from. Looking a thing up and reconstructing it are different exercises, and only one of them tells you whether you understood it.

And I’d signed off with one more line: “I think this process is ‘Maclaurin in reverse’!”

Colin Maclaurin — Scot, mathematician, dead since 1746 — has his name on the series you get when you expand a function around zero. What I had no way of knowing without leaving that seminar is that Brook Taylor derived the whole family of those series from the calculus of finite differences, in 1715. The discrete came first. The smooth version fell out of it as a limit.

Which makes that line less a quip than a conjecture. And a correct one — more or less a statement of Newton’s forward-difference formula, arrived at by someone who was bored.

No McLaren in the garage, then. But a Maclaurin appreciates.

Full write-up, with the proof I said would “have to wait for a bit”

Persymmetry, eventually

Back in my chemistry-PhD days — modelling how molecules fly apart — I kept running into a tidy sort of matrix called a circulant. I spotted a small pattern hiding in them and, around 2011, wrote it up. Then life did its thing: work, moves, the usual entropy. The write-up went in a drawer, and somewhere along the way I lost the original .tex file completely.

This year, with my stack finally empty (see: Writing again), I dug it out, rebuilt it from an ancient PDF, and checked the maths until the computer and I agreed to about twelve decimal places. Then I sent it to a journal. Desk-rejected — no review. I tried a second, a third, and a fourth.

Nobody quite warns you that this kind of rejection isn’t a ruling that you’re wrong. It’s a ruling that you’re not new enough. The result is correct, and apparently rather elegant — but circulants have been thoroughly adored by mathematicians for a century, and “correct and elegant” doesn’t always earn a slice of a journal’s attention. Fair enough.

I could have kept knocking on doors. I didn’t fancy it. (arXiv, the usual home for these things, now wants an institutional sponsor I don’t have — the perks of being an unaffiliated, semi-retired bloke who does crowd control for beer Sprite money.) So I did the unglamorous, oddly liberating thing and published it myself, with a proper DOI, free for anyone to read.

It’s finished. It exists. It has my name on it and a permanent address. That’ll do.

→ Spectral persymmetry of complex circulant and skew-circulant matrices

Amorosity now: part 1

Dance for money? No.

As a semi-retired 50-something, I make a bit of beer money doing crowd control. (Not that I drink any more; approaching 4 years sober, yay!) Lots of walking most nights, and usually I’m teamed up with a person I’ve never met before. It would be awkward to stay silent for 6+ hours, so interesting conversations nearly always evolve during the course of a long shift.

Recently, my walking partner for the night was asking where to find alternatives to sporadic event work. I welcomed the question, given it diverged from the standard ‘MMA beats boxing, yeah?’ and explained the various possibilities: construction site security, mobile patrols, pubs, and… strip joints.

“Do you work in a strip club, too, bro?”
“No, I don’t think many people would pay to see me semi-naked.”
“C’mon, I meant as a guard.”
“Right. I see ads now and again. Occasionally, I’m tempted.”
“And?”
“I never apply.”
“I see. Oh, you have a wedding band. I guess it would upset your wife.”
“It wouldn’t. No.”
“Really?”
“I’ve run the idea past her a few times, and she seems okay with it.”
“So what’s stopping you?”
“My wife.”
“I don’t follow.”
“The first time I canvassed the idea I got a green light. This was unexpected.”
“I bet.”
“Indeed. So I asked if she was worried I might ogle some of working ladies.”
“And was she?”
“No. And, to follow up, I did ask *why* she wasn’t worried.”
“What did she say?”
“She asked if ever wore glasses on shift. And I said rarely; only when checking IDs.”
“A workplace health and safety thing, surely.”
“Spot on. So she made the point that I wouldn’t be staring with much accuracy.”
“Hah!”
“Yeah, I conceded a valid point. At best, I’d be looking at heavily-pixelated dancers.”
“And that was the end of it?”
“It was not. A few months later, I was tempted to apply at a strip club.”
“And you got another green light?”
“Bingo. Which lead to another question.”
“Eyesight related?”
“No. I asked if she was worried one of the ladies might, you know, take a shine to me.”
“And?”
“She fainted with laughter.”

She’s still laughing.

I’m still trying to read the heating instructions for my microwave meal.

JetSkiing: 54 hour review

Like a lot of people during The Covid Times, we watched a heap of YouTube to pass some time. In particular, we binged a lot of local camping / caravanning / 4×4 / boating content. Inspired – and with no nautical skills whatsoever – we decided to get some boat licences, buy a Sea-Doo, and have some fun. By and large, it was a good decision, which is not to say we haven’t made a few mistakes along the way. Allow me to mention some of the things that have helped during our first 54 hours on the water.

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The The: 35 years later…

Aged 15, I caught the train to the city with my high school sweetheart. We changed into civvies, cloaked our school bags, and headed to the front row of Brisbane’s famous Festival Hall. After an iPhoneless three hour wait in a fog of second-hand cigarette smoke, Matt Johnson and co. (including Jonny Marr & James Eller) burst on to the stage and rocked out an awesome set: all our favourite tracks from Soul Mining, Infected, and Mind Bomb. At one point, Matt leaned over the barrier – singing into his trademark vintage microphone – and some of his perspiration actually dripped on to my arm. Does it get any cooler than that?! It was my first unaccompanied, grown-up gig; no live music experience since has replicated this palpable magic.

Thirty-five years on, seeing The The for a second time was something special indeed. Whilst the first half was a live performance of the new Ensoulment album (which is rapidly growing on me), the second half was pure alchemy… it’s pretty rare to sit through a set and adore each song. (Helplessly singing along to every one.) Flawless vocals. Sublime musicianship. A ten-out-of-ten show.

I was struck by a few moments between songs. Firstly, Matt Johnson speaks with a gentle clarity usually, in my experience, only afforded to the very battle-hardened. (I call this “firm kindness”.) Secondly, he made the point that he didn’t much agree with the politics of the 80s and 90s, but at least politicians back then stood for something. Thirdly, the unspoken told-you-so look he gave the audience before starting Armageddon Days Are Here (Again). Not sure what I’m talking about? Google the lyrics.

Sunday’s performance ended with Giant. I thought it apt. Giant you are, Matt Johnson. You have my thanks. You’ve had it the moment I hit play on the Infected cassette. Your music has added a vibrant soundtrack to the significant moments of my life, as music tends to do with all of us.

A quinquagenarian. (Almost.)

Approaching 50, I guess you could say I have opinions. Buckle up.

The good things first. Fatherhood is mostly a matter of wanting to be a good dad – things fall into place when you accept that precondition. Same goes for being a husband. Reading is an excellent lifelong habit with no downsides; whilst my tastes have matured with age, it’s harmless once in a while to return to airport fiction. There’s no shame in wanting to feel warm in winter – flannelette shirts are awesome, and so are nice socks. (And trousers, let’s not forget.) Using a handrail to traverse a flight of steps is fine. Comfy shoes, tick. Wind through trees on an otherwise quiet hike. Rinse aid and fabric softener. Streaming services – all of them. Recreational lock-picking. Apple One & Amazon Prime. WD-40. Ice cream. GPS. Caring for pets. Holidays – especially island holidays. Home ownership and financial security. Silhouetted eucalypts at dusk. Floating in the ocean. Kewpie mayonnaise. Time and space for deep thinking. Transactional certainty. A fountain pen that still works brilliantly after 35 years of near-constant use. Nexium. Boating. Strong coffee (from a machine). Strong tea (from a pot). Watching Douglas Murray never lose a debate. Nicotine gum (yeah, yeah, gimme a break). Cordless stick vacuums. Blue skies in winter. Moisturiser. Nag Champa. Waiters that write orders down. Art galleries. Lollies. Reverse-cycle air-conditioning. Efficient queues. Sobriety. Merit as a fiat social currency. Ryobi’s 18V garden care range. Kind people. Washing on the clothesline that dries in a single day. The Norfolk Pine I watch from the kitchen window each day while the kettle rumbles.

The not-so-good. Erratic drivers. Unmanaged expectations. Card fees, especially now that cash is obsolescent. Roof leaks. Unsolicited noise. Very small font sizes. Most real estate agents. Ironing. Being asked personal questions. Smelly fridges. The lie that is anti-dandruff shampoo. The bigger lie that is whitening toothpaste. The decline of long-form narrative. Body corporate committees. Nocturia. People who tell me they’re either the Queensland kickboxing champion or the nephew of a barrister as they’re shown the door. Needing an app for every household appliance. Activists. Days that feel implosive. Recruiters. Grind culture. Universal mobile phone obsession. Sandfly bites. The AI ‘revolution’, even though I happily own Nvidia stock. A frequent craving for solitude, even though loneliness is carcinogenic. Coding exams for underpaid IT roles. Fixing things I’ve already fixed. Crazy inflation because of knee-jerk money printing (thanks, pandemic). Poor sleep buffering: waking up with a to-do list that’s several kilometres long. Star Wars, since the prequels. Hobbies that I’ve let decay – the novel, the guitars. Inaccurate weather forecasts. Imperceptibly trending towards indolence. No more Iain M. Banks / Umberto Eco / David Foster Wallace books. People pleasing. Whatever McDonald’s did to Sprite. Losing agency and being buffeted by circumstance. Dirty feet. An outwardly subtle but internally overwhelming sense of shrinking.

Now you know.

Jimny: a social experiment

I like my car. It gets me to where I need to go, nothing more, nothing less. It gets used for the school run and the occasional drive on the beach. That’s it.

My self-worth has never been coupled to the type of car I drive. I figure it would be irrational to get an ego boost from the type of microwave oven I have, or the brand of hot water system that’s hooked up to the house. Why, then, would I feel better or worse about myself based on the type of vehicle I own?

I have noticed that, at least on the road, people do not like small cars. Doesn’t matter what road, what speed, or what time of the day, people must – almost at any cost – overtake a Jimny. It’s both peculiar and dangerous.

I have a theory about this overtaking phenomenon. Darwinian forces create biosocial hierarchies. This affects how we queue, and, by corollary, drive. We accept superiors being in front of us. We indulge peers alongside us. We absolutely expect the lesser folk to stay behind us. Deviations from these heuristics break our software.

Of course, we should be better than this. But we’re not.

So know your place small car drivers; the douchebags and weekend warriors need to get past.

And know your place lame people. Disabled people. Disfigured people. Minorities. The poor. We can’t do much about you any more; it pains us, on a deep level, to have to tolerate you at all. It really does. But, with sufferance, we will.

Barely.

Reluctantly.

Just don’t dare get in front…

Tasmania

Wow – what an awesome week! How good’s Tasssie? (Very.)

Boat trip to Bruny Island. Bus ride to Port Arthur. MONA. Iron Pot. Mount Wellington. Bonorong Sanctuary with a lovely wombat encounter. Wineglass Bay. And, of course: The Hobart Book Shop, Salamanca.

Tasmania can’t be faulted. Excellent food and service. No traffic. Low humidity. Spectacular scenery – great mix of bushland and fractal-like coastline.

Moved by these things

I don’t precisely know why, but things like the following – shuffled for good measure – choke me up a little.

  • Orange cordial in a Coke bottle. (Ice rink.)
  • Combed blonde hair, not quite dry. (Magistrates Court.)
  • Blue corduroy jacket from Lifeline. (Melbourne.)
  • Littermates crunching biscuits. (Chapel Hill.)
  • Pre-teen hearing aids. (School.)
  • Sandwiches in brown paper bags. (Cinema.)
  • Neatly ironed handkerchiefs. (Trouser pockets or closets.)
  • Chocolates and the crinkle of flowers in cellophane. (Break up.)
  • Dog closing his eyes when scratched. (Vet.)
  • Tupperware and drink bottles with Nikko-pen owners. (Bus.)
  • Pastel homesewn pyjamas. (Palliative care ward.)
  • Backpackers with accents and threadbare towels. (Whale watching.)
  • Daughter crying; nipped by the cat. (Old place.)
  • First time in the ocean / pure joy catching a wave. (Cylinder Beach.)

Some of these are my own. Some I’ve just been a witness to.

Writing again

Queues and stacks are familiar to anyone who has studied computer science. It struck me a while ago that, to my detriment, I organise my life like a stack. Writing fiction is at the base of my stack, and I only get around to writing (and painting & music to much lesser degrees) once I’ve accomplished everything on top. I really need to change my way of operating from a stack to a priority queue. Lifelong habits are challenging to break.

After a very tiring handful of years (deaths of loved ones and career chaos), I currently have enough bandwidth to resume my novel. My stack is practically empty, which is eerie – but, hey, I’m not complaining. Although re-entering the workforce is something I have to do soon enough, for now I’m aiming to get the first draft down.

For me, there’s always been more joy in producing than consuming.